Wiry silver curls shorn close to the scalp. That’s how James
likes to keep his hair. The older he gets the less vain things, like
hairstyles, matter to him. Family is almost all that matters to him now. How
did that happen? He says now that much
of it has to do with mistakes he’s made and the mistakes his father made.
His father, like many veterans of the Second World War and
sons of the tilled prairies had a demoralising set of vices. During his time
there were no great social services to help a man adjust to his post-war blues
and rages. James’ father was a red hot furnace feeding on the fuel of desperate
drinking. His loud fists drove his wife away. His loud fists drove James away,
vowing never to be like his father.
James, unlike his father, would love his children and care
for them.
Like many baby boomers James had a wife, children and all the
other trappings of the North American image of “success.” But like his father,
he had lost his children. No, not to death; his children are still living. It’s
not the same, not since the divorce. He did not abuse his family like his
father did and he did not drink like a drowning man but James still did hurt
his family.
Through selfish spending and personal activities he neglected
the emotional needs of his wife and children.
James tries hard to reconnect with his kids despite the chasm
of painful memories that keep his children from fully trusting him again. Often
when he sees one of his children needing some financial assistance, be it for
school or some adventure, James will send them the money he has made from work.
His smile says he does this out of love and joy but his saline eyes reveal that
he hopes this has some penitential worth.
James loves his children. He regrets the decisions he made
that sent them far from him. Maybe his children will learn to forgive him. If
not, he hopes they will not make the same mistakes that he did.
James hopes that his children would love and care for their
children but he is old enough to realise that this may not happen.
Hey Clark!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can't even imagine being in a situation like this; it proves a good cautionary tale. Although your last line sums up your beautiful, tragic piece, would you consider making your last line haunting, like the rest of the piece? I think that line could be integrated into another paragraph and you could really dig deeper to make it end with more of a bang.
Just something to ponder!
:) A
Thanks for the feedback, Allison. I added another little bit to the end. I had written more but it was repetitive. Hope it's haunting.
ReplyDeleteHi Clark - great piece. Haunting, as Allison says.
ReplyDeleteComments:
"His father, like many veterans of the Second World War and sons of the tilled prairies had a demoralising set of vices." and:
"Like many baby boomers James had a wife, children and all the other trappings of the North American image of “success.”
Don't know if the repetition was on purpose or not, but I'm not sure it's effective if it is. Might want to re-phrase.
Something that plagues all great writers is trying to force too many ideas into one sentence. You can tighten up your sentence structure by removing unnecessary words (be ruthless!) and using more periods, though you already do a great job of this.
Example:
"His father, like many veterans of the Second World War and sons of the tilled prairies had a demoralising set of vices. During his time there were no great social services to help a man adjust to his post-war blues and rages. James’ father was a red hot furnace feeding on the fuel of desperate drinking. His loud fists drove his wife away. His loud fists drove James away, vowing never to be like his father."
Instead:
"His father was a son of the tilled prairies and, like many veterans of the Second World War, was cursed with a demoralising set of vices. He never had the 'social services' that help a man adjust to post-war blues and rages. James’ father was a red-hot furnace fueled by desperate drinking. His loud fists drove his wife away. His loud fists drove James away. He left vowing never to be like his father."
Also, I am not sure "demoralising" is the best word to use there, though it mostly works. Maybe try another word?
Hope this was helpful! I love reading your work. Looking forward to more.
Kelly Lynch
This piece is so open and honest. Not only does it give the reader an outside perspective on James, but it also helps us to understand things from his own perspective. After reading this, I feel like I know him. Great job with this!
ReplyDelete